Mrs. Hancock's Blog

I realized recently through my own loss how much we depend on our good friends and family during times of distress. A number of lessons I learned recently upon the death of my Mother is that sometimes you really do need to truly lean on people; not an easy thing to do for some of us, even with the closest of friends. So, I'm writing this blog to help those of you who've yet to lose someone close. It's an extremely difficult dynamic to understand.

Follow up:

So let's start at the beginning. Losing someone close is undescribable. There's anger, frustration, sadness and deep grief; a sense of relief perhaps, and on and on. There are a myriad of emotions that can really send one reeling. But there is one thing that's a common denominator in any sad situation, the sense of dread around planning for any ceremonies or any other 'thing' that may need to be taken care of for your friend or family member. Motivation can be very low during such times of sadness and it may takes weeks, months or years to clear. Most likely, your friend and/or family may need your help. Some people work harder during times like these, some people can't move. Be there and here's how:

1). Offer to walk the dogs or keep them for a duration of time. Any type of animal sitting will help; watering/feeding the cats, birds, horses, etc. Ask if you can babysit children or stay with Teens while Adults are taking care of the business at hand.

2). Offer scripture or your Pastor, Priest or Rabbi's phone number, if they need one or request one

3). Show up and cook meals OR cook them at home and bring them over. Sweets, too. People, if they have an appetite may not have time to cook with all the details that they need to attend to. Some people forget to eat or are so busy care-giving...grocery shop for the necessities. Depending on how close your relationship is, you can go through the fridge to see what's missing and make your own list. Otherwise, do ask what they need/for their requests. Dog food, cat food, milk; ice cream?

4). Offer your services, whatever those may be. Design the program for the service, offer music gratis, help with phone calls and to take some of the load off for answering calls or returning e-mails; offer whatever you have or do, if you think it will be useful. Baby sitting, etc.

5). Offer to drive them anywhere. It's difficult to focus while on the road during such times and driving in that fog of grief can be very dangerous.

6). Offer to make brunch/lunch or dinner and host the family after the service in your home

7). Consider the Families' request. Flowers or a donation? Do follow through.

8). Remember to send thank you and appreciation letters to those you depended on OR offer to write them for your friend or family member. Pick up postage and/or appropriate stationery to assist

9). Offer to help go through household goods and items, clothes, unpack or pack-up boxes. Oft times, there may be a house full of things to move through.

10). Offer to go to the Mortuary to help choose items that are needed and/or to sit with someone as back up, whether that be a wake or shiva

11). Call from time to time after the event to offer your services and allow the person to relieve some of their grief and angst. Be a good listener. Ask what they may need help with.

12). Show up; do laundry and/or clean the house, bathroom, kitchen; water the plants

And probably the number one thing you can do, if your local and you're close friends: Throw your arms around them and let them release.

Thank you for reading and thank you to my wonderful friends (and family) for being there for us during our very difficult time. ~ Mrs. Hancock, February 2010